The Real Harry Potter
by kuls
Summary: You may think this is just another story based on the Harry Potter series. But no, it is the first of it's kind. Preview: Harry and his love for Ron, Hermione's obsession with Dumbledore, and Draco's bald spot. Not to mention Ron's catch phrase!
1. Flowing Red Locks

**The Real Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer:** I own none of this.

The point of this is purely to have fun with the Harry Potter series. I love Harry Potter so this isn't making fun of it, just having fun. I expect no one else has written a story quite like this one. : ) By the way, this was co-wrote with my friend under the name Pendurr. Check out his stuff sometime.

**Chapter 1:** Flowing Red Locks

Harry zoomed across the Quidditch pitch, chasing after the golden snitch, with Draco on his heals. Draco tried to use his special powers to blind Harry with his freshly buffed bald spot. Now he usually hid this from the public by slicking his hair back, but he took it out on these special occasions.

As Harry was momentarily blinded, he lost track of the snitch. He quickly opened his eyes to find Ron saving a potential goal from the other team with the sun setting right behind him, casting a background of pinks and light blues.

'What is this that beseeches my eyes? It is none other than the beautiful boy with the flowing, red locks and chiseled facial features. I feel as though it was but yesterday that we shared that special moment of love. Romeo, Romeo, Where art thou Romeo?…my Romeo…' Harry silently thinks lovingly about his fire-headed friend.

Harry suddenly found himself floating toward Ron with his arms outstretched. Something collided with his hand and he grasped it. Noticing it was a golden colored ball, he held it up in victory.

"Hey Harry!" Ron yelled across the pitch.

"Yeah, Ron?" Harry replied, excited.

"Threesome later?"

Every head in the crowd and involved in the game quickly snapped to face Ron, who looked like nothing was wrong. After a few moments of awkward silence, one young boy in the crowd slowly raised his hand…

Dumbledore stood up and shouted loudly, "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

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You like it so far? This is purely for humor.

-Kuls


	2. Cause I'm Fat and I Can

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The Real Harry Potter

Disclaimer: I own none of this.

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Chapter 2: 'Cause I'm fat and I can

Hermione, Ron, and Harry were together in the common room of the Gryffindor house. Harry and Ron enjoyed a rousing game of Wizard's Chess. On Ron's side each piece had two companions by its side. (Hint, hint ; ) ) Harry didn't even concentrate on playing, he just wanted to watch Ron's face light up whenever he gazed at one of his three-person groupings.

Ron looked up from the chessboard and said, "Harry, why are you looking at my pieces like so suggestively?"

Harry mumbled something to himself and Ron took that as a yes to his earlier question during the Quidditch match.

"But Harry, we need a third person to do that," Ron exclaimed enthusiastically.

"Alright," said Harry, thinking hard on whom to get.

Just then, a first year walks through the portrait hole. Harry and Ron shared a look of excitement and dove behind the couch.

"Harry, you're the best wizard ever. You need to think of a spell to knock him out!"

Harry strokes his bald chin and sticks his tongue out and to the side, concentrating on a solution.

"Hurry! Before he leaves the room!"

Harry sticks his finger into the air and a light bulb appears and then suddenly turns on. He pulls out his wand and say a complicated chant and waves his wand maniacally. Ron waits in anticipation and suddenly, a rock appears in front of Harry.

"Harry! You're a genius!" Ron says as he picks up the rock and chucks it at the first year's head. After all the excitement, Ron misses the throw and hits some other person, leaving the room through the portrait hole, which later is found out to be Hermione.

"Wait, I have another idea!" Harry exclaims to his glum companion. He whips out Ron, which is what he named his wand, and yells 'Go to sleep!' to the first year that drops like a log onto the floor.

Harry and Ron emerge from the shadows of the couch, walking with a humped-back, and slowly drag the little boy to the corner, covered in darkness, drooling on themselves as they walk.

Just then, Hermione steps out of the shadows. Noticing Hermione, Harry mutters a spell to shrink the little boy to the size of a peanut and puts him into a box labeled 'Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans.' Hermione saw the box and took it from Harry before he knew what hit him.

"Mmmmm…human flavored!" Hermione said with joy as she ate the little boy.

Ron curls up in the fetal position and cries like a little schoolboy and Harry comes down to Ron to comfort him. He glares back at Hermione with hatred and says, "W-why would you d-do that to my f-friend? You MONSTER!"

"But I…"

Just then, a loud crash is heard near the window. Everyone turns to see a large, hairy beast swinging into the room by a vine, crashing through the window. He does about 50 summersaults and stands up into a battle stance, letting out a monster's roar.

"Meow?" says Hagrid.

Somebody from the crowd yells out, "Hagrid, why would you do such a thing?"

"'Cause I'm fat and I can!" he replies.

At that, everyone lets out a good hardy chuckle.

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While everyone is distracted with laughing at Hagrid's latest antics, a head emerges from his beard, glances around, and pops back in…

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Well, do you like it so far? I mean, it IS pretty random. : ) We want to know what you guys think and what you think should happen so drop a review by!

- Kuls and Pendurr


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